We're
going to start at the end and work backward here. You're married.
It's not what you expected it to be. What did
you expect it to be? Let's just start with … what
is it?
What
is Marriage?
Why
do people get married? What does it mean to be married? And how
does one of these Marriage thingies work?
Marriage
is essentially the formal act of the creation of a nuclear family.
It does several things. First, it says to the community, “Hey.
We’re out of circulation. We’re off limits to other
partners from now on.” And this serves both as a notice
to the community and as a promise to each other.
Now…
why do we do this?
Let’s face it. We dated
because we were physically attracted to each other. We kept dating
because we liked each other. We got married because we wanted the
security it provides. And we had kids before we were ready because
… we were physically attracted to each other.
Companionship,
A Home, and Children
Companionship
We’re
social beasts, and we need companionship. But this isn’t just
about companionship. Friends can be companionship, but this is a
bigger deal. Here you’ve decided you’re going to get in
the same boat as a team and take that single boat through life
together. Where you go, I go. Where you need support, I will
support you. If you tire, I will paddle harder while you rest.
Where you fail, I will compensate. We will combine our efforts to
make both of our lives better, playing off of each others' strengths
and covering for each others' weaknesses. Love for the other, and
trust in the other. You’re saying, “I’ve got
your back, and I’m not going anywhere.” That is
important moral and physical support. And thus we will be stronger
than two alone.
Home
This
companionship is definitely important to our well-being as humans.
Having someone intimately familiar with your joys and sorrows, your likes and
dislikes, your strengths, your weaknesses …. your dreams
your fears – gives you a mutual history that enriches your
lives. The further down the river of life you have gone, the richer
the history. A good marriage gets to be like your favorite
comfortable shoes. The familiarity, the fit. This is a Home.
And it is the ideal situation to bring a child into the world.
No,
it’s not always pleasantries. Life has its ups and
downs, and we are flawed individuals. But it’s easier and
more rewarding with a partner to share it with than alone.
Unfortunately, sometimes we forget all of this, because we are
imperfect and we lose sight of the big picture in the day to day
details of our lives and our emotions.
Family
& Children
When a couple becomes parents, the circle
gets bigger. It is important for children to be raised in a secure
environment where they can feel secure in that – my parents
have my back. And as a child grows in this secure environment,
he learns mainly by example how to handle successful
relationships himself. There are all kinds of statistics that show
that children raised in a two-parent, nuclear family are far less
likely to be failures as adults. They are far less likely to turn
out to be criminals, they do better in school, they have fewer
emotional problems. They're happier people throughout life, in
general.
When
a couple has children, the number one priority in the marriage shifts
to the successful upbringing of those children. But, almost
paradoxically, the number one statistical contributor to the
successful upbringing of those children is a successful marriage.
If you let it slide, you endanger your child's future well-being.
What are we even doing here?
A
lot of people, when they get a dog or a parakeet will go out and buy
books on the proper care and feeding of dogs or parakeets. Or if
they buy a sailboat they will read up on the care and maintenance of
a sailboat. Or the proper maintenance of a car. Or how to run a
business. They want to be responsible pet owners, and they want
their cars to last as long as possible. They want their business to
succeed.
However,
most people who get married are just winging it. This
is a shame, because it turns out this is the most important endeavor of
your life. This relationship. More important than your dog, your
cars, your house, your job -- It is literally the center of your
life, the thing that must come first over all other worldly
endeavors. If not, then you are doing something wrong. If not,
then what is your life about? Why did you want to get
married in the first place? Ah. You remember?!
Some
people are lucky and had dads who knew a lot about cars, or Moms that
knew a lot about keeping a household together, or parents that knew
how to keep a marriage on an even keel and intact. And their
examples pass this knowledge and their associated habits to their
kids. And so they’re less likely to need to read up on these
things.
Some
people are not, and it’s not necessarily their fault. But
when you’re thrashing about in the water and not having a very
good time, the first thing you should do is figure out how to swim.
The sooner, the better. And if you can get help doing that, then by
all means, get the help. This is important! You're on stage.
This is the show.
Just because things get bumpy doesn’t
mean you made a mistake getting married. More likely, you made a
mistake in your marriage. Or possibly more than one.
Probably. We all do it. Nobody’s perfect. Nobody. Most
likely, the damage can be repaired.
What
are the things that hold a marriage together?
In
a nutshell, Love and Trust.
Sounds
simple. But it's also pretty easy to break. It’s almost like
one of those role-playing or video games where you have hit points.
Say you have a character who has a fire strength of +5. In
marriage, let’s call it trust strength. So let’s say you
start your marriage with +5 Trust from your spouse. And I say
“from”, because trust is something you earn from someone
else. It is not due you by default. You have some upfront at the
start (or hopefully you would have decided not to get married), but
you can do things – even without ill intent, that erode that
trust. But you can also build trust.
What
kinds of things build trust?
First,
Honesty. And transparency -- which is a form of honesty.
Transparency does two things. One, it shows your spouse have nothing
to hide. And two, it gives you a disincentive to do things you
might feel the need to hide. It keeps you honest.
Also, actually having the other person's back. When one of you really needs the others help, coming through with that help, even if it inconveniences you -- especially if it inconveniences you -- is a big trust builder.
How
does one be transparent?
Mainly
through communication. You literally share your lives with each
other. Where did you go today? Who did you see? What did you do?
Share these with your spouse – every day. Did something bug
you? Why did it bug you? Ask. Take an interest. And tell.
That’s part of companionship. It also gives you a good idea of
the general happiness of your spouse and where they may need some
support.
How does one be honest?
It’s
a shame we have to spell this out, but these days, we do. By being
honest, I don’t mean just avoid saying anything that is
technically untrue. Withholding key information is dishonesty.
Intent to mislead or to keep someone from arriving at the actual
truth is dishonesty. And that goes back to being transparent.
Partners don’t get together to see what they can get away with.
They get together for mutual support. Trust is a part of that
mutual support.
What is Love?
I point to this as Biblical evidence of
something I consider to be obvious. Cor: 13 1-3
1
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I
am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift
of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I
have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am
nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body
to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
If
you are King of the World and you don't have Love, You Are
Doing It Wrong.
In
short, Love is the entire point of
Human Existence. It is said that God is
Love, and thus it ties in with the fact that God made us to serve and
share in Him. How do we do that? Through Love. It’s
wired into us, too, as we are created in God’s image. But we
have an animal nature, too, and though parts of this lead us to love
in the first place, parts of it also get in our way.
What Love
actually is tough to nail down. We often mistake passion for love.
Passion often leads to love, but love is not passion. Still, they
are thus easily confused.
Even the Bible has trouble nailing
it down. Cor 13:4-7, though, is a good start in gathering evidence
for what it is.
4
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not
easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight
in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always
trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
And
you can’t just pick one or two of these things and chuck the
rest. They’re all a part of it. If you could remember
and remember well nothing more than these seven verses and apply them
to your family life, you will do better than 90% of humanity.
Love
comes, I think, primarily out of the fact that we see ourselves in
others – and with some people, we form a very direct connection
to that part of ourselves in those few others. I see you hurt, and
I recognize what you are feeling, I end up feeling your pain myself.
The stronger this is, the more direct the connection.
How
do you lose trust?
Once
you understand what builds trust, the pitfalls and solutions become
obvious. One of my favorite books of all time is Norton Juster's
“The Phantom Tollbooth”. In the second chapter, the main
character, Milo, stops paying attention, stops thinking, and gets
lost in a place called The Doldrums. And after a while of being
frustrated by the lack of purpose and do-nothing attitude of the
inhabitants, he wants out.
“I
was on my way to Dictionopolis when I got stuck here”,
explained Milo. Can you help me?”
“Help
you! You must help yourself”, the dog replied, carefully
winding himself with his left hind leg. “I suppose you know
why you got stuck.”
“I guess I just wasn't
thinking”, said Milo.
“PRECISELY”, shouted
the dog as his alarm went off again. “Now you know what you
must do.”
“I'm afraid I don't”, admitted
Milo, feeling quite stupid.
“Well”, continued the
watchdog impatiently, “since you got here by not thinking, it
seems reasonable to expect that in order to get out, you must start
thinking.” And with that he hopped into the car.
If
you build trust primarily through transparency (openness) and
honesty, it stands to reason you lose it when you are secretive
and/or dishonest. Conversely, if you lose trust through
secretiveness and dishonesty, you gain it by being truthful and
open.
Trust is a valuable asset in a relationship and should
be built and protected at every opportunity. Building trust not only
keeps your spouse more at ease and feel more secure in your
relationship, it allows you more freedom as well. Don't abuse
it!
How do you lose love?
Secretiveness
and dishonesty are the enemies of trust, and mistrust and resentment
are the enemies of Love.
And
here's the kicker. Mistrust and resentment breed secretiveness and
dishonesty.
See why this gets ugly, fast?
So if you
want to fix it, #1, put aside the chicken and egg question. If you
want to fix it, it doesn't matter who started it. What matters is
that it be stopped. Understand that your emotions and negative
actions are now feeding off of each other in a recursive cycle,
spiraling downward, and you both need to break that cycle. It won't
come naturally. It will probably be outside your comfort zone. But
you'll have to just go through the motions at first.
Milo
began to think as hard as he could (which was very difficult, since
he wasn't used to it). He thought of birds that swim and fish that
fly. He thought of yesterday's lunch and tomorrow's dinner. He
thought of words that began with J and numbers that end in 3. And as
he thought, the wheels began to turn.
“We're
moving! We're moving!”, he shouted happily.
Eventually,
you'll start moving, too.
If
you've ever had a child, chances are you know what love is when you
have it for someone else. You've felt it, anyway. We're fairly
hard wired to bootstrap into love with our children. Their happiness
makes us happy. Their sadness makes us sad. We want what's best for
them. We feel we'd do anything for them (as long as it wasn't
detrimental to their well being), and sometimes we just can't help
ourselves even then. Granted, these are symptoms and not Love itself,
but Love causes us to want these things for them.
Between
spouses, it starts with physical attraction, deepens with recognition
of commonality, and cemented with trust and formally recognized and
promised for life in marriage. You want to pass it on to your
children, and to your culture, and to Mankind for the rest of time.
Love.
It's entire purpose of human existence. Know it. Teach it. And if
you've lost it, learn it again, cultivate it, and get it back.
My last post is a song I wrote a few years ago about all of this.
